What Did I Gain by Fully Trusting Allah?

Why do we always think about what we don’t have rather than appreciate what we already have now?

Why do we always look up at those above us and carry the insecure feelings deep inside our hearts?

Why do we always worry about what will happen next instead of mindfully enjoying what is already in front of us?

These are unfinished questions that keep coming to my mind. When those questions become noise in my head, I choose to stop for a while, grab my beloved Al-Quran, read it, feel each verse, and that noise transforms into serenity.

Recently, my life has been shocking me, surprising me, and challenging me. But that’s life, isn’t it?

At the beginning of this year, I was selected as a civil servant — the most favored career for most Indonesian people and parents.

Yet, when the official announcement came, my heart felt unhappy, flat, and devoid of excitement.

It was quite a contrast to how I felt before the announcement. I prepared for the civil servant selection with maximum effort; I even reviewed my college modules again.

But why did it feel uncertain, flat, and unhappy, as if my freedom was being taken away?

So what did I do? I chose not to continue as a civil servant.

My initial intention to participate in the civil servant selection was to make my parents happy.

But finally, I understood that what matters most is my own happiness. What if I continued as a civil servant but wasn’t genuine in enjoying my journey?

I have fulfilled my duty to please my parents; now it is time to please my own heart.

Actually, yes — my dream career is not to be a civil servant. I have bigger dreams than that.

I realized that being a civil servant might slow me down in achieving those bigger dreams.

Fortunately, my husband supports my main big dream, not the civil servant path.

Although many people regretted my decision, to me it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. And now, my position has been filled by someone ranked just below me, with whom I have had a conversation.

The main reason I took this path is because I want to strengthen my tauhid, truly believing that all rizq (provision) comes from Allah, not from the government.

I want to be more useful for the ummah.

And this decision reflects my desire to truly be myself, not who others expect me to be.

How Is My Life After Trying to Fully Trust in Allah?

The main reason many people want to become civil servants is economic stability. But I refused it.

Some may say I’m insane or foolish for choosing the harder path instead of the stable one.

But this is my first exercise to train my tauhid muscle — just to believe in Allah.

Whenever fear, worry, anxiety, or insecurity arise, I remind myself to make istighfar and fully trust and believe in Allah.

When I worry about money, I calm myself by reciting the translation of the dinar verse from At-Talaq 2-3:

“Please calm down, be sure that Allah’s provision will come from unexpected directions.”

That’s what I always say to myself to find calmness and certainty.

What is truly magical is that not long after that, I receive messages from old friends, new clients, or new project offers.

So, What Do I Gain by Fully Believing in Allah?

a. Serenity inside my heart.

b. Becoming a person with big dreams because I believe nothing is impossible for Allah.

c. Receiving money from unexpected sources, such as earning $200 from a LinkedIn endorsement.

d. Feeling that Allah easily listens to my heart’s wishes, like when I felt the need for a short escape to another city, and suddenly got invited to be a speaker in Semarang.

Today, what surprises me the most is that I was selected to present my speech at Google Search Live Central Asia Pacific in Thailand.

Before that, I thought it would be nice to travel abroad again, and now, I will speak at a Google event for an Asia Pacific audience. My heart is nervous, my hands are shaking, and my eyes are tearing.

Allah is truly loving and generous to His servants, but what have I done so far? Oh Allah, I want to cry.

If you ask me what I’ve gained by truly believing in Allah, it’s that many magical things have happened in my life, many good news have come, and most importantly, serenity fills my heart.

May you always believe in Allah first. Ask Allah for everything you want to achieve.